Addiction

A note before we start - While addictions don't have to be drugs this article focuses on how drug addictions were overcome. These techniques can be generally applied to all addictions. Maybe you cut yourself. Maybe you have an eating disorder. Maybe you gamble or are stuck doom scrolling social media. Anything that creates a negative impact in your life that you can't quit is an addition. Even if your addiction is not substance based I urge you to read the article, be patient with yourself, and use these tools to fortify your mind as you journey to freedom.

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Drugs. They'll take you to places you can't imagine. Roads you never knew existed. Some lead to enlightenment. Others to a ditch. Some wind through the ditch on their way to enlightenment. Other's give you a moment of bliss before you die in the gutter. It's a path as unique as you are & yet common themes definitely emerge.

Let me be clear: I don't preach abstinence. Not doing the substance is just the other side of the coin to the substance. A more stable side, sure, but you're still trapped. You are still controlled by it. My life has brought me to a point where I live free from influence. Where I can drink to enhance a fun time and stop when I want to focus. I can use opiates when I am injured and stop as soon as the pain subsides. Many people will tell you this is impossible. "Once an addict, always an addict". I am living proof that's bullshit.

I don't preach abstinence, but do acknowledge that the only way to have control over something is to quit it and get yourself back to center. You can't responsibly use a substance while you're living under it.

The problem stems from how we treat addiction and ourselves through it. A random security guard in Chicago once told me "Drugs don't do me. I do drugs". I really can't sum it up any better. The problem of addiction begins when we decide it's easier to give in to the high and let the drugs do us than it is to deal with reality; only using drugs as a tool to enhance the moment. When we realize it is easier to destroy than it is to build. Coming back from that to find a new balance & harmony within you is no easy task, but it can be done.

There is a path you can take where you are completely free from it for the rest of your life, but it will take effort & time & it's gotta be you who does it. The more you rely on others for your mental and emotional well being the more you can't trust yourself. It becomes a battle of you vs them. Getting physical help is completely different. Having family provide a roof over your head and basic meals goes a long way. Having people to just talk to is a great coping mechanism. Relying on them to keep you clean, however, sucks for everyone involved. It must be you who takes the lead role in your recovery.

Alternatively you're more than welcome to stop reading this and enter an addiction program. They are built around the idea that you are not enough to get clean. After all, if you were then you would have already done it. They believe you have to give your control over to a sponsor and higher power in order to get clean. It works if you work it. It really does. They have helped countless people stop using and stay clean. I just have a fundamental problem with the idea that you can never trust yourself again and will always live under the label of "addict". I have found a way to do it myself with physical support only and it gave me control and freedom to actually HEAL. It might not work for everyone and I urge anyone reading this who is addicted to do something. Any step forward is a step in the right direction. The rest of your life is waiting for you.

If you’re depressed there’s an incredibly high chance you use something to cope. If not substances then destructive patterns. Substances are best when taken to enhance good times, not numb your way through bad ones. If you’re depressed and using then step 1 is to get clean. To get your mind back. No doubt it will be a lot of work. More work than you’re used to because for however long you’ve been using you’ve allowed your force of will to crumble. It’s harder facing your problems than it is to soak them in alcohol or worse. But the only path to freedom is to break the chains that bind you.

I'll tell you a secret - Your demons only cause pain when you run from them. That constant weight on your chest isn't from your problems. It's built from the stress of avoiding them. When you finally stop and let them all catch up to you it is instant relief. Yes, it might feel overwhelming. You might have to sacrifice your free time to overcome obstacles you'd rather avoid, but as soon as you do you'll feel instant relief. I'll write a deeper post about this in the future.

I broke this article up into sections in an attempt to show the many paths one can take on the road of recovery. There's no right path and what works one day, or even in the current moment might not work the next. Learning to cycle through different philosophies, brain hacks, beliefs, and ideologies helped me keep pushing when I would have otherwise relapsed.

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Cigarettes:

The first time I quit cigarettes was when I realized I needed one to calm down from a situation. I no longer could confront, process and deal with stuff. I had to run to a cigarette first. That’s not stress management. That’s living under the stress and letting it control me. I had given up my control to that substance. I no longer could internally tell myself how to feel. I needed an external influence to control my feelings.

Giving up the power of control is a terrible decision every time. You were meant to be so much more than the substances you do to cope. It is a decision you and you alone must make. To take back emotional control of your life. To let your life be yours again.

The secret to my success with this recovery process was creating enough emotion to fuel my sheer force of will. I cared so much about not being controlled at the time that it overcame my desire to smoke. I white knuckled my recovery, hating every moment of it. I don't recommend using will power to be the main driving force of recovery, but it can be a great tool in your arsenal. All actions are driven by emotion. Creating enough emotion inside yourself can make mothers do incredible feats to save their kids. It took us to space. It has won wars. Emotion is the fuel actions use to exist. Learning to create emotions inside of you to then use as fuel for your actions is a powerful skill to master.

Random observation: The Lord of the Rings trilogy can be directly tied to the addict's path. The ring symbolizes substances as well as greed. The path of Frodo & Gollum is the same path an addict takes. I was once told that before anyone decides to try drugs they should watch Requiem for a Dream (& they should). It is a fucked up and creepily accurate depiction of an addicts descent. I saw it and still walked that path, but at least I had a preview and could better accept it/prepare. I would similarly argue that when in addiction one should watch Lord of the Rings. It won't cure you, but it will show you you're not alone and that there is a path out.

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A section on major recovery:

Feeding yourself LOTR & other types of media is a great step 1 on the road of recovery. When you first start the process you will find you have a lot of time and will spend that time feeling like shit. Finding movies & songs about change, adaptation, addiction recovery, love & triumph is a great way to soak up some of that time and distract you from said feelings of shit. It will also feed your brain hope. Something you had long extinguished.

Only time will take the pain away. A good coping mechanism to use is understanding that your body is just adjusting to a new normal. When you first quit you feel like a frayed nerve. You feel everything, constantly, and it's all incredibly intense. You have to understand why this is. Up until now you have numbed so much for so long that when you quit it's not figurative. You are LITERALLY feeling again. When you haven't felt anything for so long a simple breeze can be complete stimulation overload. The clothes on your skin can feel so intense that it hurts.

The first thing to come back is pain. Know it won't last and that after pain comes pleasure and a rainbow of other sensations. When you're in pain it will feel like eternity, but it isn't. Your body will just need time to adjust it's sensitivity settings back to normal. Framing pain in this way helped me understand why it was necessary. Understanding why always helps you get through. Your body is simply adjusting back to normal.

It's an amazing mechanism in the body that allows us to adapt in nearly any environment. Why do people from Texas freeze when they visit Wisconsin while the people in Wisconsin can wear lighter clothing outside? Because over time it becomes normal. Their body's adapt to the environment and they become less sensitive to cold. Your body is designed to block out normal signals and only let in the ones that tell you something has changed. Kind of like how a T-Rex's sight is based on movement. We don't need to constantly feel the clothes against our skin so our brain blocks it out. The problem is you've suppressed your brain for so long that when this system comes back online everything registers as a new event. It WILL adjust back. No matter how long it takes, know there is an end where you can walk through the day without feeling anything and need no help to do it. It just takes time.

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Diet Coke:

Yep. Hard right turn. Diet coke was the very first addiction I beat. While people don't usually think of diet coke as an addictive substance, you can go up to someone who drinks it, take it away, and see what happens. They will get agitated. The cravings will be present. Their mind will start to obsessively focus on it. It might not destroy your body like meth, but it is absolutely the first addiction I overcame.

If you want to waste 5 minutes this made me belly laugh a few times:

How I overcame this one came from 2 things.

First, I saw a documentary that explained how the rush you feel when you take a sip is actually the chemicals rushing to your brain. It lights up your neurons and then kills them. It feels great, but knowing how it hurt really killed the buzz. At the time I was committed to a simple concept: I will do nothing today that will hurt myself tomorrow. From a young age I was a party kitty. I loved feeling good, but I also didn't want to feel bad in the future so I could feel good today. More on that in an upcoming post. I used the knowledge from research to open my eyes and show me what I was doing to myself. That was enough raw energy to be the catalyst for my change. In doing follow-up research now I should point out the world is very undecided on whether diet coke is actually bad for you from a health perspective. This doesn't matter though. Back then I believed it was & I knew I was addicted.

Second, I learned how to taper myself down. Little did I know how much I would use this skill later in life... Since diet coke isn't classified as an addictive substance and no one cares if or how much you drink, the stigma of addiction was non-existent. I tried going cold turkey a couple times and couldn't do it so I took a step back and reassessed. I stopped buying cans for the house and only got diet cokes when I was at a restaurant or getting fast food (which was daily being the college aged kid I was). At first I would do refills and then only 1 per meal.

I actually had to learn to like the taste of water again. At first I drank Dasani lemon flavored water until I learned that it also had aspartame. WHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYY!?!?!?!?

Equipping myself with knowledge was enough to start the process of quitting. Tapering myself off allowed me to follow through. Now I think the taste is icky. I mostly only drink water with the occasional beer, Gatorade & Sprite.

This process of quitting can be used for anything. The more knowledge you have the better equipped you will be. Research your addiction. Research coping techniques. Research signs of depression. Research how your DOC (drug of choice) will change you and be prepared to either accept it or stop it. Because living in an ignorant bliss will only lead you to a miserable end. Either know your chosen end is coming and accept that fate, what will become the sum of your life, or do something about it and write your own story. At least if you die of addiction you'll have accepted it.

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Cocaine:

I quit cocaine with the allure of a job. That was my catalyst. Also not being able to pay rent and moving in with my roommate's dad who was states away didn't hurt. Call it a chain of events that forced a growth opportunity. The job required a hair test so I stopped cannabis & cocaine simultaneously and only had alcohol to take the edge off. Fun isn't the word I'd use to describe it. After 9 months of Hell my support group agreed that the job wasn't worth it & I needed to start smoking again.

But I was off cocaine.

There is a theory here that I type with the biggest voice of caution. If you are addicted to a hard drug you can use minor substances to help you step off. Then you'll have to deal with quitting the minor substances, but that can be easier. Full addiction is mind & body. If you're not ready to live life without a mental buffer then alcohol, tobacco & cannabis can get you off cocaine, meth & opiates. Focus on getting your body less addicted and then switch to tackling your mind instead of trying to fight both at once. The obvious risks of this is you not following through and never becoming fully sober. Always needing that buffer. I would still argue that being addicted to marijuana, cigarettes, or alcohol (if you don't drive) is better than heroin, meth or PCP. Harm reduction is still a step in the right direction.

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Alcohol:

Ah, alcohol. I've been an alcoholic just once in my life. The rest of my time could be most accurately described as a few islands of abstinence (one lasted a year) surrounded by a vast ocean of moderate to heavy usage.

When I was addicted I was coming off of opiates. Using a tool I stated above; I used alcohol as a stepping stone to help me get free from opiates. While it helped me mentally keep a buffer to reality while I stepped down from the physical withdrawal of opiates, it is a terrible solution for keeping oneself emotionally stable. I didn't have access to cannabis at the time.

I quit alcoholism through sheer shame. I was at the point that I needed 4 drinks just to wake up and then would drink until I passed out. I wasn't enhancing a good time. I was using alcohol as a buffer to get through reality. I had honestly forgotten how to sleep. I had to re-learn how to go to sleep because up until then sleep is what happened when you passed out. I became an alcoholic due to the shame from what I had done during my opiate addiction, but it was also shame that brought me back out of it.

Story time:

I was with my mom one day going to visit my aunt & uncle. That day was a heavier drinking day and I missed the mark of "level" by half a bottle I'd say. When we got there I discovered that the TV I helped my aunt pick out had a pixel run in it. I hadn't visited them in a while due to opiate addiction so was just then discovering that this happened a week after the TV was purchased and too much time had passed to do a warranty claim on it.

I had a straight up bitch fit, screaming at my aunt while my mom sat stunned and embarrassed. To me it was sheer defeat. I was in the roughest phase of my life. You have to understand that when you're coming off of opiate addiction you need any win you can find. You are desperate to be more than the piece of shit you've worked to become. Helping my aunt get a new TV and then learning that my recommendation resulted in them living with a broken TV for over a year... add to it that knowing they could have returned it to the store and gotten a replacement or at the very least made a warranty claim for it... I lost it. I projected my rage out onto my aunt, but I was really just crushed by the thought that I had failed yet again.

On the way back home my mom didn't scream & yell. I don't even remember the words she said. I'll always remember the feeling I felt and in one word it was shame. I created that moment. As with cigarettes I realized I was no longer in control. I could see it hurting the people I loved. What I was using to suppress and control myself was actively hurting me and those around me. So I pressed the breaks. After a long road through opiate and then alcohol addiction I finally regained control.

Omg, now I want a beer. That's just it! I can write about it, feel the urge, drink the beer, and go on with my life. I no longer live under it nor am I running from it. I have healed.

You do have to go through the chasm of abstinence before you can ever hope for responsible usage though. There's still times that my life becomes incredibly stressed and I'll feel the urge to reach for the bottle to help me through. Now, however, I will confront my problems head on and deal with them. If I do drink, it becomes a victory drink after the fact - and that's just it. That's everything. In this example I use alcohol to enhance a good time, the feeling of victory, not to run & numb from the stress, making my life worse.

When you use drugs to enhance a moment it is hard to do too much. You certainly can & everyone has (drunk at a wedding is a super common example), but it is hard because you're living for the moment, not the substance. When you do too much you can ruin the moment creating a negative experience that will stop you from repeating it. You learn a lesson and grow from it. When the moment becomes about doing the substance overdoses are easy and you learn nothing.

Your problem isn't the substance. The problem is how you're using it. If you have a problem with these words then stop eating cake at weddings. Sugar is a measurably addictive substance that we all use on some level. So is coffee. If you drink coffee in moderation no one cares. If you get to the point where your butt chugging it while manically addressing your friends, family and co-workers then you're not using it correctly. You've stopped enhancing your moment and are now addicted. Chances are your addiction won't lead to much harm, but addicted is still addicted.

My point is addictive substances are prevalent across every culture in the world. Either you are going to be a monk eating tasteless food for nourishment only or you should learn how to control and manage addictive substances so they don't control you. Learn how to use them responsibly to enhance your life instead of letting them become your life. Again, if I break my leg I will gladly take anything I can get to get through the pain. I am enhancing my moment by avoiding physical pain. If I were to allow myself to continue after I heal - That's where problems begin and the drug starts replacing the moment instead of enhancing it.

Funny enough coffee is about the only addiction I've never had. Who woulda thunk it!?

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Having hit incredible highs in my life accompanied by rock bottom lows I have become an expert in removing the chains that bind me. The chains I put on myself.

Rock bottom became my best friend. The one thing about it: Nothing can get worse. You might be bruised & abused... but you've taken all the hits and are now free. Your worst fears have all come true and you can finally breathe with the weight of them lifted off you.

Rock bottom is the first step to the rest of your life. A completely new life that you get to choose. A moment where you are pure potential.

Story time.

I was popular but not very well adjusted in high school. By senior year I was a broken mess due to what turned into a completely toxic relationship. Actually there's a Scrubs clip that says it better than I ever could:

Hopeless meet romantic.

One of my favorite teachers once told me that when I left senior year no one would know me. I could be anything. Reinvent myself into any person I wanted to be. A chance for a complete reset. No one would know my history. I could be anyone I wanted instead of the person at the end of my current path. This impacted me in ways that have rippled through my lifetime. Looking back I cringe at how messed up I must have been for a teacher to feel the need to give me such advice, but am thankful he did.

Because it worked! I have had to reinvent myself many times throughout my life and his words have become the compass I use to decide what's next.

I can be shy. I can be confident. I can be awkward or I can be chill. I can choose my next job and how I let that interact with my new identity. I can choose a music genre that fits my next chapter. I can try all the new things and discover parts of myself I haven't been introduced to yet.

I can be anything.

Rock bottom only hurts when you look back. After you brush yourself off you begin to realize what a gift it really is. You'll start to look forward eager to reengage in life.

With every substance I used different techniques, often many combined, to navigate myself back to center. Back to me. There's no one path one must take. I will weave the lessons I have learned throughout this series, but wanted to take a post off to just talk about addiction itself.

Something Random:

If anything I am now addicted to removing all addictions. I have lived what it feels like to be controlled by something. Now I want to experience how it feels to be free. There's not a chain on this earth that's worth my life. I want to live the rest of it feeling as free as a bird & my soul as light as a feather; Needing nothing but myself to feel ok.

I hope you can find a path to do the same.